I am not writing this post to stop anyone from expecting things of me, believe in me, stop pushing me. It is not about telling anyone you are f*ing me up, I am the only f*ing with myself, me myself and I. I feel fine and I am happy, so no need to worry about it. This is maybe 5 % of me so.. I am writing this because it wanted to come out, my mind wanted to tell cause I know there are others out there thinking like this…
I suffer from what we in Sweden call ”Duktiga flickan syndromet”, which ruffly translated would be the ”Good girl syndrome”. What it means is that I want to please other, make them proud, not fail them and do better than they expect. So if someone says jump 5 m, I better make the jump but not only make it, I need to jump 5.5 m. If someone says good job, then I know that for the future I need to do even better, cause you can’t stay at the same level you need to be better, perform better, produce more. If the numbers at works shows a good month, the pressure is on me (in my head) to make the next month as good, preferably even better. The thought of not producing as good numbers stresses me, it is not even an option. If I take 110 kg in dead lift then next time I want to lift 120 kg, and I don’t understand why I wouldn’t and if I don’t it is a failure cause I am not getting stronger. If I walk 10 000 steps in the morning let’s go for 11 000 the next morning, cause you always need to improve and push harder.
The bottom line is that I want people to like me, I want people to be happy with me and what I produce. Want them to be proud of me, want to meet and exceed their expectations. I want to excelle and be at the top, always be the best I can be (and even better than that). I do not want to make anyone disappointed in me or dislike me… This is really what I am scared off!
And there is also another level to this, I don’t want to be as good as the girls (I already expect me to be that). I have always, and probably always will, compete with the guys. I want to be as good, as fast, as strong and so on as the guys. This becomes a small problem since men by birth are generally stronger and faster than women but that is something I can’t except. I want to beat them, I want to be better and nothing pushes me as much as having to compete with a man at work or at the gym.
So when people say something to me positive or negative, my head will probably twist it and make me put more pressure on myself not to fail, to not make anyone disappointed. Make them proud and happy with me.
For instance, now days I get really nice comments like you are so strong, great muscles (okej not maybe great but look at your muscles). These comments makes me really happy but my head then takes this and f*cks with me. It’s starts dwelling on OMG, they think you are strong, don’t make them disappointed, keep making them proud. Push yourself to keep getting stronger, better, get more muscles, not bigger just more define. Do NOT fail them, don’t become weaker. Push yourself, push yourself, push yourself!
Okej, so people believe in me and say I should compete in Crossfit (not sure that I will ever be good enough, and don’t see what they are seeing), be part of the team cause they need strong girls. This makes me really glad and honoured but we all agree that I am not strong enough right now and can’t do all exercises. So I need to build strength and improve but in my head I am not improving. I am not getting stronger, I am not learning fast enough which means that I am probably, no correct that, I am gonna disappoint everyone and not become good enough, strong enough. And a bad shoulder doesn’t help, so stupid and dumb of me to hurt myself. So I need to push myself harder and work harder so I get stronger so I can compete and make people proud. Do not fail!
I have started studying to become a PT, cause I would love to help other do what I have done and cause I love to learn. I am getting the best help and support (thank you, you know how you are) but because of this my head f*cks me up. I feel I need to A:s it, I just need to really make everyone proud and falling is not an option. Because if I fail with all of this support not only am I a looser, a failure but in my head I will disappoint and that is the last thing I want! And after getting my licens, the option of failing to get it isn’t an option, I need to become a really good PT, be well liked by the ones I train. Make everyone happy with me and really give it 110%.
And let’s not talk about how my shoulder triggers the good girl in me, you can just imagen what it does… 😉
But this isn’t what people are saying to me and I know this intellectual but my mind changes it. I know that what people really in real life are saying is different than what my head is saying. I get mostly good things said to me (yes I am lucky) like:
- Rom wasn’t built in one day
- Look at all your muscles
- You are strong
- Don’t stress your shoulder
- Be careful, we don’t want you to get hurt
- Good job
- You are fit
- Don’t forget to rest
- Eat some more, you need fuel
- You are crazy
And so on… Things that are positive and there to help me.
The Good girl syndrom isn’t all bad, it has helped me accomplish a lot of stuff and made me try thing I never thought that I would or could do. It helps me to perform, to evolve and become better. I am happy that a part of me is like this, because it moves me forward and won’t let me give up. It gives me a strong head, cause no one is can put more pressure on me than what I do. So even if I in my head only reaches 90 % this is usually a really good job!
And to you how is reading this and now thinking OMG am I doing this to her? No you are not doing this to me, I am doing this to me. My head is doing this to me, my wanting to make people proud and always be the best, is doing this to me!
I love that people believe in me, that they think that I am good, that I perform well. I just need to not let my good girl syndrome be stronger than my intellect, I need to find a balance to when I should push harder and when to push myself less. So it is, sorry, all about me, myself and I….
PS. Everything I push for and do like working out is 95% of the time cause I love it not because I force myself. I wouldn’t have gotten this far at work or in the gym if I didn’t have my Good girl syndrome so I am most of the time thankful for it, it just need to be controlled. And I am not afraid to take a chance as long as I push forward and learn, cause if you learn it is not a failure. The road to success is never straight and will never be. What I am afraid of is total failure, not getting there in the end or fast enough.